In retrospect…
Alright, I've been mulling the idea for this post over in my head for the last six months or so, and it finally feels right to publish these thoughts on the day of my 31st birthday... so here goes. I’ll preface this post by sharing that I’m not in the best headspace right now. I’m incredibly homesick, questioning the “why” behind this adventure, and just generally exhausted.
However, I am proud to say that I’ve reached a point in my life where I recognize the tough times don’t have to last as long as they have in the past, and I’ve developed the tools to get myself out of whatever funk comes my way. I did my best to mentally prepare for the rollercoaster of emotions that would come with moving halfway across the world, and I just have to take a deep breath and remember that.
Now, at the risk of sounding cliche, the last year has taught me a much deeper meaning of the lesson: change👏🏼takes👏🏼time, and it’s typically more time than we’re used to (in the age of instant gratification.) Reflecting on the year 2020 and COVID-19, so many of our lives seemingly changed overnight, but it didn’t feel like I noticed until life really picked back up in 2023. Now, in the year 2024, I can say that I’ve finally found my way back to the self that I’m happy to recognize, but it took a long time for everything to fall into place.
The following anecdotes are a chronological attempt to describe the “big” changes that happened for me to change course and adventure to Australia.
Weaning off Lexapro in January 2023: We’ll start back in 2023 when I decided to wean off of Lexapro after being prescribed by my primary care physician and psychological therapist in March 2020. Looking back, Lexapro was a really productive tool for me to stabilize my moods and mental fitness as a whole. After making a big move to Denver, starting a new job, and experiencing a rather naive heartbreak in 2019, I was a bit of a mess. Although medications aren’t everyone’s answer, I’m really glad I tried it. By the time 2023 started, I felt I had hit the point of diminishing returns. I was numb, lacked sex drive (a very real side effect), and felt so “meh”. Though I had learned to work myself out of severe depressive episodes, my emotional pendulum wasn’t swinging in either direction, it felt so stagnant.
I feel it’s important to note that I had stopped regular therapy at the time of this decision, but after giving it a lot of thought and care, I worked with my doctor to wean off. I truly believe medications can help people, but for me, it was important to check in with myself and move on from it when I reached a point that felt right.
Being laid off from my tech sales position: Aw this is a good one. In May 2023, I was fast approaching my one-year anniversary with my employer at the time, a small private product analytics startup. I had started exploring internal moves within the company, as I was desperate to get out of the sales environment. I had learned (probably earlier than I wanted to admit) that I’m not a super competitive person, especially when it comes to performative call metrics and quota attainment. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the events, loved my coworkers, and loved working with technical products that did cool things, but none of that was worth it when I dreaded every single meeting on my calendar.
I’d like to note - I had some really cool experiences with the companies I worked for. My first tech startup, Fastly, holds such fond memories, and I was truly proud to be a “Fastlyan”. I joined the company shortly after moving to Denver, worked with some incredible humans, and was fortunate enough to experience the company’s IPO. I identified with the company’s mission, culture, and still to this day am incredibly proud of their technology that allows us to access our favorite apps, stream our favorite shows, and listen to our favorite music. Looking back, those two years with Fastly were what everyone hopes for when they described the fun tech startup culture, though I fear those good old days are in the past for tech. In 2021, I moved to Datadog, and this was where things turned a bit south for me. Datadog is an incredible product and a very well-built organization, but it was not a great fit for me personally. Despite my struggles, it was a young office and a really fun time…. I learned a ton about corporate structure and how young tech startups grow into stock market juggernauts. Last but not least, I joined Heap in May of 2022 and learned all about the intricacies of digital analytics. It was pretty wild to sell a product that collected such specific behavioral data…. All I can say is I look at the internet a lot differently now after working at these companies.
By the time May 2023 arrived , I was fortunate to have an understanding manager who could see how much I was struggling and the mutual decision was made to let me go. On May 5th, 2023, I was released from the company and I took what felt like the biggest deep breath of my life. My loving and humorous father now calls this date my “Liberation Day” (I guess distaste for corporate politics and power dyanmics runs in the family?) Though it never feels good to fail at something, I’ve come to realize this day gave me permission to change paths and stop pursuing something that I didn’t truly care about in the first place. I am not fulfilled by a title, salary, or status, and I can now continue on the path to find what does fill my cup.
Moving in with my unconditionally supportive parents: I’ve gotta [literally] drive this one home y’all. In today’s world of exponential inflation, where millennials have all but given up on owning a home, and even buying healthy groceries seems to push the budget, I am so incredibly thankful to have my parents. If they hadn’t moved from my childhood home in Massachusetts to Colorado in the fall of 2022, Australia probably wouldn’t have happened at all.
When I lost my job in May, I was already living down the road from their new house in northern Colorado and the decision was made to move in with them in July. Don’t get me wrong, it did feel like I was letting myself down after having accomplished the cool job, nice city apartment, and independent lifestyle in my mid-20s. Though I was feeling every emotion from embarrassment to internalized anger, this move may have been the single best thing that happened to me in my late 20s.
Now, I’ve found myself saying “Everyone should move back in with their parents, it should be more normalized!” I realize it’s not for everyone. I am extremely lucky to have a happy and healthy relationship with them. They understand me, love me, and happily offered a safe space for me to decompress and exit survival mode. Though it took a couple of months for me to get over myself and stop identifying as the “30-year-old that moved back in with mom and dad”, I would not change it for the world. How blessed I was to have that time with them. I could go on for ages about all the positive changes I saw within myself during this period, but the best feeling in the world is to hear your mother say: “Alli, you’re starting to act like yourself again.” Thank you endlessly to my mom, dad, pepere, and sister who also lives so close by.
Returning to work with horses at Iron Horse Therapeutic Farm: In August, after a few months of moping in the fear of the unknown, my mom softly suggested I find a way to return to working with horses. Mom truly does know best. If you know horses, it’s pretty difficult to stumble upon an affordable way to ride and compete, so I had to get creative in finding ways to simply spend time with them. We spent a couple of nights together researching farm jobs and volunteer work at therapeutic riding centers and came around Iron Horse Therapeutic Riding Center.
Iron Horse Therapeutic Farm provides occupational and music therapy to their clients on their 10-acre farm with horses, goats, chickens, cats, and of course, their miniature donkey, Bob (cover photo for this post.) It is the most gratifying feeling to watch the way animals and the outdoors can instantly brighten the mood of young children.
I started helping with horse care a few days a week and almost instantly improved my confidence, sense of purpose, and happiness. I met some truly amazing people and animals during my time at Iron Horse, and they helped heal a piece of my soul that had been dampened for quite a while.
Ending my relationship: We’ve all been here at some point. After about a year and a half, and several tries at making it work, it simply came down to compatibility. I am so grateful for the fun we had, the memories we made, and the people I met through the time we spent together. Looking back, I was at a pretty low point with my self-esteem when we met, and he was so patient and caring with me throughout all the ups and downs, consistently looking for ways to uplift me. I learned so much about myself as a person and as a partner in this relationship (i.e. my love language is not physical touch) and I also learned how to love again - for that I am so thankful.
Though breakups are rarely easy, I like to think that the ending of this chapter in October of 2023 allowed both of us to explore the truest versions of ourselves that we were yearning for.
Exiting "survival mode" and recalibrating my mental, physical, and emotional health: We’ve made it to item #6 and have finally arrived at something that is rather unquantifiable. In the age of buzzwords and clickbait - the last thing I’ll do is provide a step-by-step guide to exiting survival mode and “living your best life” but I merely want to show how long positive change can take. By the end of 2023, I was more emotionally stable, had lost the extra weight, returned to my bright cheeky self, and the general anxiety nearly all but disappeared. This is an ongoing lesson, but my basis for comparison has drastically changed since observing the changes in myself from 2020 to 2024. I’ll leave you with another cringe cliche - find ya peace and protect it.
Researching visa options and finding the Working Holiday 462 to Australia - before I turned 31! Okay, this one is a bit out of order. Amidst one of the short-term relationship breaks in 2023, shortly after the start of my unemployment, I started researching ways to travel and work abroad. The Australian dream technically initiated in December 2019 when my sales VP suggested I explore moving to Sydney as an SDR (all while I was dating a super cool Aussie from Melbourne.) Fast forward to December 2023 and I started pitching the idea to my family and friends. From a logistical perspective, I was on a tight timeline. The Working Holiday visa allows individuals ages 18-30 to travel and work in the country for a year, but I had to get to Australia before my 31st birthday on May 19th. Once I decided to apply, it was relatively painless to apply, pay, and get approved.
That is until one of my dear friends James pulled the ultimate prank on me shortly after receiving my approval and making my travel arrangements. Tell me, has anyone ever written a letter on official looking letterhead requesting your attendance at the Australian Embassy in Washington, D.C. for an in-person interview? Did they create a fake proton email for you to contact? No? I gotta hand it to him, I was feeling like it was all too good to be true before I got this letter, but luckily he answered my polite email with a casual “G’day! Fuck it, approved!” and the joke was revealed. Well played sir, well played. You can never trust those Brits!
Discovering Employ Equine + Georgie to help me secure work before leaving the US: Though it isn’t completely necessary to enroll in a program to help you find work, I’m glad I did. Once I committed to the idea of Australia, I found Georgie at Employ Equine and she connected me with the farm Hannover Lodge, where I’m currently employed. It was a huge relief knowing that I was set with work, living accommodations, and travel before embarking on the journey.
That’s all for now folks, if you made it this far, thank you for reading! This space is proving to be a much-needed emotional outlet during a time of big change in my life. I also hope it provides points of discussion for when I get the chance to catch up with my loved ones. If there’s ever anything I write about that prompts questions, please reach out! I’m thinking next week will get into more of my job on the farm and what I’ve learned thus far in the world of thoroughbred racing.
xoxo, Alli
P.S. I’m learning how to create and edit this website on an iPad without a mouse - and it’s proving to test my patience 🤨 I wanted to add photos to this blog post but couldn’t figure it out, so you’re stuck with my words 😘
